Sunday, March 02, 2008

There and Back Again Chapter One - Apologies to JRR Tolkien

In a hole above the ground there lived a blogger. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a blogger hole, and that means comfort.
This blogger had lived in the neighbourhood for some time, and people considered him very respectable, not only because he was comfortably off, but also because he never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what this blogger would say on any question without the bother of asking him.
This is the story of how a blogger had an adventure, and found himself doing and saying things altogether unexpected. He may have lost the neighbours’ respect, but he gained – well, you will see whether he gained anything in the end.
By some curious chance one afternoon long ago in the quiet of the office, when there was less noise and more green, , and the blogger was sitting at his desk after lunch, tapping away at his computer, because the smoking of enormous long wooden pipes that reach nearly down to his woolly toes (neatly brushed) is forbidden– when his boss Gandalf came by. Gandalf ! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion.
‘‘Good afternoon!’’ said the blogger, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows.
‘‘What do you mean?’’ he said. ‘‘Do you wish me a good afternoon, or mean that it is a good afternoon whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this afternoon; or that it is an afternoon to be good on?’’
‘‘All of them at once,’’ said the blogger.
‘‘Very pretty!’’ said Gandalf. ‘‘But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this afternoon. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it’s very difficult to find anyone.’’
‘‘I should think so – in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can’t think what anybody sees in them,’’ said our blogger, and stuck one thumb behind his braces, because he was fat in the stomach and had to wear braces to keep his brightly coloured trousers up.
Gandalf drew himself up to his full height, that wasn’t very tall, since he was a shortish wizard and started to explain to the blogger, “Across the see and over the mountains and still further over some plains there will be a great gathering at a place called the City of Angels. This meeting will be opened by a fair princess and I have to attend this meeting to cast some spells, but I need someoneone to attend the meeting as well.”
Well the blogger startled to chortle to himself, and declared, “I am your man”, because this blogger wasn’t going to pass up on a chance to visit the Land of Smiles, especially when a wizard was paying.
The blogger continued “Pray, tell me Gandalf, what is the name of this gathering?”. Gandalf replied”It goes by the strange name of Pipetech 2008, and it is a great gathering of people involved in our business that is held every two years in strange lands”. Of course the blogger knew exactly what the meeting was; he was stalling for time while he devised a plan.
“This seems like a worthy adventure for me,” he declared, “In order to prepare myself for this, I shall go and acclimatize in the Elysian Fields for a week before hand”
Gandalf told him that he was showing his true worth for the adventure by making such a clever plan.
So several weeks later our valiant blogger sets off on his quest carrying a lot more than three handkerchiefs, what is more he didn’t have to fight any trolls on his journey, and the only thing resembling a dragon that he saw was the airplane that carried him to Bangkok. To make his journey even better, the blogger was upgraded to business class for the journey.
Very soon he had found a nice concrete hole with a swimming pool to stay at for his week halfway between Jomtien and Pattaya. That evening he decided to head into town. When he reached the town, something was different. All the gogos were closed, with magical signs on the doors that our valiant blogger couldn’t read. There were some bars open, but the only lights came from above the pool tables, and the people in the bars were drinking strange concoctions such as sprite, orange juice and coke. And it was quiet, ever so quiet. The only music came from stalls that were selling CDs and DVDs.
Our blogger went in search for some nourishment, and quickly he was sat at a table wolfing down some pad kaprow, which wasn’t really spicey enough for him, but it filled the hole in his ample stomach. Now he was happy, a full stomach. He needed to find some entertainment.
Strolling down Walking Street, carefully avoiding the small children selling fluorescent bangles, old ladies selling flowers and swarthy looking men advertising ping-pong shows, he carefully looked around, and then down an alley he spotted a sign that he recognized. Hope at last for some company and entertainment. He turned down the side street and carefully avoided the sleeping troll, side stepped the speeding motorcycles and sauntered past the food stalls selling unimaginable bite size snacks.
He soon reached the door of the place he was heading for, and a mighty fine door it was too, made of blackened glass and guarded by two people. Our blogger suddenly recalled reading about a new smoking law in Thailand, so before he committed himself to entering he asked if he could smoke his long pipe inside, he was told that he could. He entered and looked around to take in the scenery. In the middle of the room was a bar and surrounding the bar were several Thai ladies, some quite beautiful and some not so pretty. He sauntered up and sat on a stool that was vacant between two girls. Very quickly a waitress approached and asked if he wanted a drink. Our blogger said that a little beer would suit him, but the waitress just shook her head, and our blogger settled for some coke light. Then he remembered, they were electing a panel of wizards the next day and the whole country had to stay sober in case an evil wizard was elected by mistake. The two girls next to him introduced themselves as Flori and Nori, and very soon they were all talking away about mines and gold and troubles with the goblins, and the depredations of dragons, and lots of other things which he did not understand. Well they may well have been, because our blogger didn’t really care, he was back in Thailand with a smile on his face and in the company of some beautiful ladies. He bought them drinks, nam som and mipo seemed to be the flavour on this tequila free night.
After a while our blogger got bored of sitting in a bar and asked Nori, or was it Flori? to accompany him back to his hole for the night. In a very short time they were back, wearing no clothes, roaring like lions, howling like wolves and romping on the bed like a stormy sea.

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